At the peak of frustration

At first I thought the whole blog thing was a bit much. And then when I read some of my friends' blogs, I thought, ok, they're cool enough, but not for me. But tonight, while I was talking to my darling Shong, it hit me, maybe this is what I need to help me. I'm at the point where I feel ready to burst, to explode. And I need a release. I know I haven't been here that long, and I'm planning for it to just be temporary. But why do I feel like I'm trapped? Why do I feel like I'm digressing? I worked so hard for all those years, and for what result? I know I'm just being hard on myself, but it sucks. It really does. I want to be somewhere else, where I'm happy and where I'm surrounded by the kind of people I've learned that I need around me. This isn't enough, but why isn't it enough? Will it ever be? I just need to get away, even for a day or two, but where can I go? And how the heck did I stay here for so long? There are people who in the past meant so much to me. I thought they were my basis of support when I was neglecting those who are really there for me. So do I have these people anymore? It's kind of questionable. They're there, but are they right? Do I even want them? Will they just drag me down like so many things in this place can? I never really realized until recently how much I need the open space, that fresh air to expand and explore and be me. The true me that I'm just starting to learn about, to appreciate, to embrace. I was one thing for so long, it's kind of scary to let it go. I had such a solid identity. But all those who truly know me know it was just a facade. It wasn't real, it was just what I had been and I thought I should be and I thought I would always be. I figured I would go on like that. But then I made the decision, and I got away, and I discovered so much about what really matters and who I really am. I did things I never imagined doing with people I might not have looked twice at before. And they were so real. They still are. And I was real. I started to break away at that outer layer and discover the core of it all. The core of me. And I liked it. It was scary, but it was more fulfilling than all of the days of the past combined. I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave that place, to leave those people. I figured getting out was the natural progression, if I would stay I would just be the bum that I had mocked so many times. I came back here thinking I might stay for awhile. Haha, that was a joke. I should have known. I should have remembered what this place does to me. It sucks everything out, and inserts in their place things that I thought were gone permanently. It's so easy to revert, to fit right back into my place, just where I was before but a little bit older. But does this place in the puzzle, the snug little position, make me happy? Does it satisfy my needs? Of course not. They might be happy with staying here forever, surrounded by each other and their routine, but I'm not. And I don't think I ever will be. There is a lot more out there for me, so much more, in fact. And I know this. I just need to keep remembering it, to keep my heart and my thoughts and my feelings in the right place. I need to think positively. I need to breathe. This won't last much longer. Hopefully soon the right opportunity will come along and I will be back moving along that road, happy again and satisfied and enjoying myself. Feeling confident, secure and excited. It's not that much longer, I just need to relax. And I need to breathe...