The News

So yet another of them got engaged. You might think I would be upset, because for awhile there I thought it might have been me who ended up with him, but if anything I'm relieved. And happy for them. This is the fourth time that someone I dated proposed to or married the next person they dated seriously after me. Is it a curse? Or is it a blessing? Does something about dating me make guys want to get serious after I'm out of the picture? For at least a second there I had to wonder whether I was inadequate. But I think the truth is I'm not ready for anything like that. I have so much I want to do and accomplish before I incorporate someone else into my life. Singledom really suits me at the moment. Even if I thought things were serious in the past, lately I've come to realize that I wasn't willing to give enough and try enough to make things work. Because I didn't care enough to put in the effort. As bad as that sounds, I really do think it's true. I think I knew deep down that none of them were the kind of relationships I really wanted. I didn't want to be swept off my feet like every girl deserves, and the exes were certainly not the sweeping type. I think it's good that I've come to terms with this. Because by knowing it, I realize that I should work harder in the future to really give it a go. And hopefully I will. But only if it's worth it, of course. And until I find someone who takes my breath away, I'll just keep on truckin'...

At the peak of frustration

At first I thought the whole blog thing was a bit much. And then when I read some of my friends' blogs, I thought, ok, they're cool enough, but not for me. But tonight, while I was talking to my darling Shong, it hit me, maybe this is what I need to help me. I'm at the point where I feel ready to burst, to explode. And I need a release. I know I haven't been here that long, and I'm planning for it to just be temporary. But why do I feel like I'm trapped? Why do I feel like I'm digressing? I worked so hard for all those years, and for what result? I know I'm just being hard on myself, but it sucks. It really does. I want to be somewhere else, where I'm happy and where I'm surrounded by the kind of people I've learned that I need around me. This isn't enough, but why isn't it enough? Will it ever be? I just need to get away, even for a day or two, but where can I go? And how the heck did I stay here for so long? There are people who in the past meant so much to me. I thought they were my basis of support when I was neglecting those who are really there for me. So do I have these people anymore? It's kind of questionable. They're there, but are they right? Do I even want them? Will they just drag me down like so many things in this place can? I never really realized until recently how much I need the open space, that fresh air to expand and explore and be me. The true me that I'm just starting to learn about, to appreciate, to embrace. I was one thing for so long, it's kind of scary to let it go. I had such a solid identity. But all those who truly know me know it was just a facade. It wasn't real, it was just what I had been and I thought I should be and I thought I would always be. I figured I would go on like that. But then I made the decision, and I got away, and I discovered so much about what really matters and who I really am. I did things I never imagined doing with people I might not have looked twice at before. And they were so real. They still are. And I was real. I started to break away at that outer layer and discover the core of it all. The core of me. And I liked it. It was scary, but it was more fulfilling than all of the days of the past combined. I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave that place, to leave those people. I figured getting out was the natural progression, if I would stay I would just be the bum that I had mocked so many times. I came back here thinking I might stay for awhile. Haha, that was a joke. I should have known. I should have remembered what this place does to me. It sucks everything out, and inserts in their place things that I thought were gone permanently. It's so easy to revert, to fit right back into my place, just where I was before but a little bit older. But does this place in the puzzle, the snug little position, make me happy? Does it satisfy my needs? Of course not. They might be happy with staying here forever, surrounded by each other and their routine, but I'm not. And I don't think I ever will be. There is a lot more out there for me, so much more, in fact. And I know this. I just need to keep remembering it, to keep my heart and my thoughts and my feelings in the right place. I need to think positively. I need to breathe. This won't last much longer. Hopefully soon the right opportunity will come along and I will be back moving along that road, happy again and satisfied and enjoying myself. Feeling confident, secure and excited. It's not that much longer, I just need to relax. And I need to breathe...